Someday Was Beginning

Reality Check #2
Close the barn door after the horses get out

I do

I got married,
Wore the big white dress
Believed in creating a future for myself with a partner.

I did

We grew together.
Chased career, adventure, and certifications
We had children
We created a life that set the stage for a future.

I is done

Graduations.
Kids launching into the world.
The nest was emptying.

We had followed the map.
Marriage. Careers. Children. Home.
Work hard. Stay faithful. Build something together. Raise the children well.

Do these things and Someday will come.

Someday, there will be time.
Someday, there will be security.
Someday, we will travel.
Someday, we will get to enjoy what all those years were building toward.

The nest was emptying.
Someday was beginning.

I thought we had reached our Someday.
I didn't know that Someday meant opposite directions.

I was left to find a new future.
To sift through the ashes of Someday and see what could still be built.

I is…. Well… just an I.

Some can leave a marriage with property, assets, or other anchoring belongings. Some leave with stories they can share with others: good times, laughter, dreams, promises. Then there are those relationships that end with only a blast radius. All within are left with shards and ashes to build their futures. 

For my older two, they had already launched when their mooring disintegrated behind them. For the youngest, the nest collapsed around her. There was little reason to launch from one uncertainty into another.

So the future I made held space for them. Those beings that grew from within me. They deserved to have a mooring that was as steady as possible. Yes, my threads were bare, and my own essence was unstable. 

But

I couldn't rebuild what had broken for them.

I could keep a light on at the mooring while they found their own way.

Now the youngest has launched, and I sit alone.

It’s the first time in my entire life. 

Oldest sister to roommate to wife to mom to… well? Just me?

I have a bit more than I did when my future collapsed. I have taken what was left and continually work toward building something new. 

I am making peace with uncertainty, disability, mental illness, my limits, and the mystery of the future. 
I have learned not to

Close the barn door after the horses have bolted.

Why?

Because the horses know their way back.

A dress stitched with promises